Are we all position fillers as wives and husbands?

Have you ever had an upsetting theory and secretly hoping that you were wrong?And that theory was proven right in your deep disappointed? This happened to me recently.
I fell in love with a guy couple of years ago, and he kept telling me once I moved and  once we lived in the same city we will get serious. But every time I tried to end it, he would find a way not to cut contacts. So going round and round, trying to figure out what he actually felt and why he behaved this way for a long time, I finally got the nerve to have the most difficult conversation;
He told me he couldn’t stop thinking about me after he had disappeared for 2 months. He said he had started seeing someone and he could not have sex with her without picturing me. For a split Second, I felt warm and wanted and had a smile on my face, but then I realized, sex, that’s what he was thinking of. I remembered all the fears and worries that I had, that maybe I wasn’t good enough to be his girlfriend, that maybe I was just an amazing fantasy filler for him, or maybe he is just not that into me..
So I asked him: How can you want me so much and think about me and still be with someone else? You know where I am, you know how to find me. How could you want me so badly and not want me at the same time?
This was his first sentence: Well relationships are not all about sex. I think after that I felt like I was in an explosion, and everything went slow and numb. He said he gets bored with the sex in a relationship after a while and he has to look other places for it. He said being with the girls that are usually good on paper, and he can introduce to his parents, the ones that are good with kids, usually the sex is not good and they are boring. I could believe what I was hearing, because I was afraid of this, the funny part was, now that I was hearing it out loud, it sounded so stupid and childish that I could not believe I actually loved a man that is saying these words. I understood what he was saying and I hated it at the same time. All I could hear was: I’m not good enough. It is actually true, I’m not good enough.
He started saying he’s not talking about me and he is saying this in general, blah blah blah. He said he has always gotten bored with everyone’s sex other than me, this is the first time that he keeps thinking about it and not bored. But it wasn’t working, all I could hear was: The girls that are good on paper…
It cut like a knife through my heart. Facing the reality: I’m not his type. How is it that he is so my type and I am not his? It was obvious that he is immature in relationship matters and he is still learning, but where does that leave me. The rest of the conversation is blurry, or basically repeating the first two sentences in better words or nicer ways. My body went numb for 2 days after that. I didn’t want to know my worst nightmare had come true. I was not his type, I was not good enough. Plain and simple. I was not good on paper.
How is that possible? We have everything in common, we think alike, we act alike, we like everything together, we have the same lifestyle, we mesh well. How could he not think we are good for each other? Am I too old? Am I not white enough? Am I not boring enough? How does he think I’m not good with kids? Went over these questions over and over, the result was acceptance: He is never going to be with you.
Now, ever since this conversation, I have been struggling with being someone’s “type”. And any hope of a guy actually choosing a girl based on how they feel about them, instead of just having an agenda, has gone out the window. I need to know and hope to hear from you gentlemen; Am I crazy to hope someday maybe a guy that I think is my type and I have feelings for (if that ever happens again), would choose me because they want to be with me, and not because I am good on paper? Or are we all just position fillers for a guy’s vision?
I know this is not a typical Danubelle style, but this has shaken me to my core recently and I believe sharing it might help me or some other girl that has been heart broken.
For me to hear those words from him has made me numb. I don’t know how to feel. When you feel that your worst nightmare has come true, what do you do? What are you supposed to do?
Acceptance is your one and only friend at these times as it seems. What if you’re still not sure what it is that you need to accept? What am I supposed to accept? Is it the fact that he thinks I am not good enough, or that he is just not that into me? Or is it that I go after guys who are not interested to date me, because I have a fear of opening up?
Acceptance, I guess in a pure sense, it is just to accept the present moment with all its unknown answers. Accept the fact that I will never have this guy for whatever reason. Accept the fact that I might never be good enough for a guy like that, and need to have a reality check and know myself properly before I go after what is not ready for me, or not mine at all.
Let me know your thoughts..
Love Danubelle

Someone Like You…

Have you ever listened to  “Someone like you”  by Adele? What do you think of it? I can not help but wonder:
When you lose someone, or decide to walk away, when you are still in love with someone, do you wish there was someone just like them that could love you back? Is there a lesson there to learn? We all know there is always a lesson to learn, no experience is wasted..
My thought is, there is a possibility that “Someone like you” is the last thing we would want for us, just imagine this:
If someone like him was meant to be mine, he would have. I consider that the timing is everything, but also some types of people are just there to help you grow and make you realize what you want and don’t want. For instance, I am not sure if desire to be with someone that has no empathy anymore. Someone that has no moral values. Although I am quite earthbound and selfish myself, but I still have boundaries and maybe a balanced relationship would help.
Every person you meet, every time you fall in love, you are meant to learn something. Either for a lifetime, to help you go through the rest of your life, or just for a year, or a few months, or even a week. If they only need to be in your life for a year to make you learn and grow, then so be it.
Now, this makes you realize; Who am I to interfere with universe’s plan. I am just a lost soul in this universe, trying to find myself and go higher. And if universe is putting someone infront of me and tells me to learn to be strong, to choose, I need to do as such. instead of screaming like a spoiled brat that this is not what I wanted. Listen to my create, listen to my core, listen to my soul. What I need is what I am experiencing. So be it..
This is just one possibility of millions, but it does worth considering,  and next time we are on our way to meeting a copy of our lost lover, give it a moment of awareness..
Love
Danubelle

Validate Yourself!

Have you ever thought about why do you care what he thinks?
When you meet a guy you adore, when you find someone “perfect” , someone that you have always wanted, someone that you put on a pedestal, and you anxiously wait to get his attention, to be liked by him, to be loved and adored by him, and underneath of all, to get validated by him; What are you looking for exactly?
We forget the fact that we are the one choosing the guy, to whom we want approval from in the first place. Have you ever thought about how and why we choose a certain guy for that? Is it because that is the kind of person we approve of? I realize this must mean what we really are looking for, is our own validation.
To me certain relationships are there to validate our own being, and what this reminds me is that, all we are looking for and need is our own soul’s validation. Our own stamp of approval.
This might mean that as long as we do approve of our own life, our own personality, our own being, as long as we love who we are, the admired being will do as such.
Just a thought for today, going back to the same original saying; Love yourself and your desires, that is all you need.
Love
Danubelle

Too much to say and non at all…

Have you ever reached a moment that you felt there is nothing left to say? And yet again, there were thousand words a second marching pass your eyes, thinking; But if I wanted to say something, this would be it. And then the broken record goes on and on, and yet again, your heart takes of the needle and says: There is nothing that needs to be said sweetheart, you have your answer…Too much to say and non at all…

 

I received a message the other day from someone, that maybe 6 months ago would have been the name I wanted to see on my phone. Of course, it always comes when you are passed the desire to receive any, moved on and are happy. It made me smile. He had mentioned something in the message that he use to make fun of, he was trying to be cute and it made me smile for a split second, and then, that was it. Nothing else followed. No apology, not an open heart, no sign of trying to make things right, just a breeze of the past.
I put the phone down and smiled at my friend, she said; aren’t you gonna answer him? I said; what would I say to this? all that pain and all that heartache, and this is it. Too much to say and non at all. She said: What if there was a gesture?
I saw a movie about big gestures, when a guy does a woman wrong, in a slightest bit, and needs to make a big gesture to make it right, if there is a slightest chance to make it right, he needs to have a slightest care in his heart to do so. And this made me wonder; Would I have done differently if there was a gesture. I do not know, and I would never know I guess. But I do know, if you need to turn a heart in the opposite direction, you need a big move on the wheel to do so.
To forgive just means to accept the past for what it was and not to close your heart because of a hard lesson that you had to learn. So as I forgive and not forget, I smile and put the phone down. It is all been said and non at all…

Woman’s Worth

 I am not sure if it is a woman’s day in every house or every relationship today, but I wish it was.

After your heart gets broken by a man, by a strong man that you felt worth opening your heart to after a long time, if a whole world tells you and reminds you of your worth, all you see is some foggy pictures on the side of your sight, and you see a man in the middle that is not looking at you… That is when you know you have lost your worth..

A woman’s worth is no different than a man’s worth, other than the fact that a man’s worth is known by a man himself.. You can not expect a man to know your worth if you haven’t yourself. 

A women’s worth is not to be known by weather or not she sleeps with a guy too soon, or she gives her heart to him to soon, or how much work she has done for others or how many children she has raised or how successful she has been in a man’s world…  A woman’s worth is known when she accepts herself for who she is and she stands up for who she is… A woman’s worth is known only when a woman knows her worth…

Be a woman and know that men are only stronger because they think they are… Be strong and you will see they will forget that you are a woman, only to be reminded by their ego…

A mirror only shows what is in front of it, respect the one you see, because that is the one that was given for you to use as your power.. 

Love

Danubelle