Post-It Note of the day

“It’s not loving, to ask somebody to do something that they are unable or unwilling to do.”

They just don’t have the capacity to give you what you want or be someone that you want them to be…

Iyanla Vanzant

Are we all position fillers as wives and husbands?

Have you ever had an upsetting theory and secretly hoping that you were wrong?And that theory was proven right in your deep disappointed? This happened to me recently.
I fell in love with a guy couple of years ago, and he kept telling me once I moved and  once we lived in the same city we will get serious. But every time I tried to end it, he would find a way not to cut contacts. So going round and round, trying to figure out what he actually felt and why he behaved this way for a long time, I finally got the nerve to have the most difficult conversation;
He told me he couldn’t stop thinking about me after he had disappeared for 2 months. He said he had started seeing someone and he could not have sex with her without picturing me. For a split Second, I felt warm and wanted and had a smile on my face, but then I realized, sex, that’s what he was thinking of. I remembered all the fears and worries that I had, that maybe I wasn’t good enough to be his girlfriend, that maybe I was just an amazing fantasy filler for him, or maybe he is just not that into me..
So I asked him: How can you want me so much and think about me and still be with someone else? You know where I am, you know how to find me. How could you want me so badly and not want me at the same time?
This was his first sentence: Well relationships are not all about sex. I think after that I felt like I was in an explosion, and everything went slow and numb. He said he gets bored with the sex in a relationship after a while and he has to look other places for it. He said being with the girls that are usually good on paper, and he can introduce to his parents, the ones that are good with kids, usually the sex is not good and they are boring. I could believe what I was hearing, because I was afraid of this, the funny part was, now that I was hearing it out loud, it sounded so stupid and childish that I could not believe I actually loved a man that is saying these words. I understood what he was saying and I hated it at the same time. All I could hear was: I’m not good enough. It is actually true, I’m not good enough.
He started saying he’s not talking about me and he is saying this in general, blah blah blah. He said he has always gotten bored with everyone’s sex other than me, this is the first time that he keeps thinking about it and not bored. But it wasn’t working, all I could hear was: The girls that are good on paper…
It cut like a knife through my heart. Facing the reality: I’m not his type. How is it that he is so my type and I am not his? It was obvious that he is immature in relationship matters and he is still learning, but where does that leave me. The rest of the conversation is blurry, or basically repeating the first two sentences in better words or nicer ways. My body went numb for 2 days after that. I didn’t want to know my worst nightmare had come true. I was not his type, I was not good enough. Plain and simple. I was not good on paper.
How is that possible? We have everything in common, we think alike, we act alike, we like everything together, we have the same lifestyle, we mesh well. How could he not think we are good for each other? Am I too old? Am I not white enough? Am I not boring enough? How does he think I’m not good with kids? Went over these questions over and over, the result was acceptance: He is never going to be with you.
Now, ever since this conversation, I have been struggling with being someone’s “type”. And any hope of a guy actually choosing a girl based on how they feel about them, instead of just having an agenda, has gone out the window. I need to know and hope to hear from you gentlemen; Am I crazy to hope someday maybe a guy that I think is my type and I have feelings for (if that ever happens again), would choose me because they want to be with me, and not because I am good on paper? Or are we all just position fillers for a guy’s vision?
I know this is not a typical Danubelle style, but this has shaken me to my core recently and I believe sharing it might help me or some other girl that has been heart broken.
For me to hear those words from him has made me numb. I don’t know how to feel. When you feel that your worst nightmare has come true, what do you do? What are you supposed to do?
Acceptance is your one and only friend at these times as it seems. What if you’re still not sure what it is that you need to accept? What am I supposed to accept? Is it the fact that he thinks I am not good enough, or that he is just not that into me? Or is it that I go after guys who are not interested to date me, because I have a fear of opening up?
Acceptance, I guess in a pure sense, it is just to accept the present moment with all its unknown answers. Accept the fact that I will never have this guy for whatever reason. Accept the fact that I might never be good enough for a guy like that, and need to have a reality check and know myself properly before I go after what is not ready for me, or not mine at all.
Let me know your thoughts..
Love Danubelle

Validate Yourself!

Have you ever thought about why do you care what he thinks?
When you meet a guy you adore, when you find someone “perfect” , someone that you have always wanted, someone that you put on a pedestal, and you anxiously wait to get his attention, to be liked by him, to be loved and adored by him, and underneath of all, to get validated by him; What are you looking for exactly?
We forget the fact that we are the one choosing the guy, to whom we want approval from in the first place. Have you ever thought about how and why we choose a certain guy for that? Is it because that is the kind of person we approve of? I realize this must mean what we really are looking for, is our own validation.
To me certain relationships are there to validate our own being, and what this reminds me is that, all we are looking for and need is our own soul’s validation. Our own stamp of approval.
This might mean that as long as we do approve of our own life, our own personality, our own being, as long as we love who we are, the admired being will do as such.
Just a thought for today, going back to the same original saying; Love yourself and your desires, that is all you need.
Love
Danubelle

The Right to be Kind

Have you ever known anyone who’ve made it difficult for you to decide if they are a kind or cruel person? If you have, I don’t need to explain any further do I?

For the rest of you, recently I was forced to make a decision about someone. I usually don’t have a lot of difficulty in clearing a good intention from a bad one, a kind person or cruel one, a person I would like to keep in my life or not. But this time, I realized I have been struggling to make this decision, because mainly he seemed to carry two complete different personalities:

A kind person, that wouldn’t even bear seeing me hungry, upset, cold or disappointed. If I had a slightest issue in any part of my life, he was there, he wanted to help me solve it. And the other, someone who would not call if you really needed them to talk to, someone who would be there when they wanted to, someone who would not give more than a certain amount, someone who would go silent when they were busy or needed some space. Someone, that would not give all of themselves..

I had battles with myself, going back and forth trying to decide if this person is a kind person or cruel. My friends around me kept insisting that he is cruel, and the rest is just being fake. But in my heart I knew that was not true. I could feel his kindness when he was one. And I could see how much he cared. He was a kind person, sometimes..

The question for me was, how a kind person like that, be so cruel and heartless in other times, how could my feelings don’t mean anything to him. I could not believe this would be possible. Until I realized what my mistake was:

I was seeing black and white again. I knew either a kind person or a cruel one. Until I tried to understand his train of thoughts, his path of actions, and see if I understand the pattern.

And I realized, most of my character judgments come from assumption, from previous boxes that I had created for people. Which might not work for everyone. The reality is, there are many factors that I had not considered and many more personalities that I had not yet met. And then it came to me:

He did kind things, because he was a kind person, but a kind person from his own point of view. He was kind when he thought he was supposed to be, when it was right in his mind. He was cruel when he thought it was a right thing to do. It was all because he himself thought it was a right thing to do. Strong, stable, quite admirable actually. What was missing here? Why didn’t this feel right to me, even though it carries the word integrity, and a great way to act?

The missing link was Empathy. He did not consider others opinions or feelings. He didn’t think even though he thought it was not needed to call, he might have been wrong. Until of course he was about to lose something or get into trouble. I realized why this whole system and behaviour didn’t feel right. He wouldn’t FEEL what I felt.

Empathy plays a bigger role in our lives than we realize sometimes. If you don’t know and feel empathy, you will be a machine that makes “right” choices. Forgetting the fact that no matter how “unreasonable”  another soul’s emotions and feelings might look or sound, they matter, and they affect your life after,

Empathy brings people together in a more subtle way, and a more enjoyable way. You don’t always need to be right, but be human and feel what another person feels.

Being kind, or being right, or even being cruel, all becomes meaningless if you do not feel what another feels. Intention always shows its effect at the end, no matter how “kind” you have been in your life.

I tend to surround myself with people who have empathy and are kind, because they can not help themselves, not just because they think it’s the “right” thing to do. The “right” thing, might not worth doing when is hurting another soul.

Let’s feel each other, I’m just saying.

Love

Danubelle

Post-It Note of the morning.

I can feel my heart, and it’s fit to burst, I try to clean it up, but I just get worse,

wish I could fall, on a night like this,

into you loving arms, for a moonlight kiss

I thought I saw your face, in an evening sky

on a lonesome cloud that was drifting by

wish I could fall, on a night like this, to your loving arms for a moonlight kiss..

You got someone else, maybe it’s for the best.

since I took the cure, for happiness, and I’d trade it all, on a night like this, for your loving arms, and a moonlight kiss..

Bap Kennedy, Moonlight kiss, Serendipity sound track, one of my favourite movies. Universe and its powers..

Post-It Note of the day:

If your experience of yourself is object-referred, it is fear-based and resistance to what is. if your experience of yourself is self-referred, it is love-based and accepting of what is. Self-acceptance, total self-acceptance means self-forgiveness.

Deepak Chopra, Power Freedom and Grace.

The right to be famous.

A homeless man picture, credit to Humans of New York.
Humans of New York is a website owned by a young photographer in New York City, which captures images of ordinary people on the streets, usually with a comment or a story about them attached. The other day I saw yet another image of a guy in need, posted on HONY that made everyone jump out to help him, a homeless guy that on a regular basis we probably would pass by and not even notice…
This made me wonder; What is so different about seeing a homeless man on a Facebook page from seeing them on the street?
And I remembered a comment from Oprah Winfrey, that the one thing all of her nearly 30,000 guests had in common: They all wanted validation. According to her, every single person you will ever meet shares that common desire. They want to know: ‘Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?’…
So what about this homeless man? Why do we see him differently now? Is it because these images were seen by everyone? Has the image on a website made them get validated? Did it Make others to have more empathy when they feel the validation? Is it because that man now is  famous?…
Fame brings love, brings validation, and everyone wants to be a part of that…
Why is fame so attractive, why do so many of us want to be famous? What is fame anyway?
They say fame is not real, but an illusion that others have of you, a story that they make of you and fall in love with. Is this true? Seems that it all depends on what you show, if the show is real, they will fall in love with the truth, you will become famous for your truth, part of it anyhow.
So why do we want to be famous? Is it to be rich? You can be rich without being famous, is it to be powerful? You can be powerful without being famous, is it to be loved?…
That is the bottom line, isn’t it? Being loved, being validated is at the bottom of this. Being loved, brings us back to our truest self, getting a stamp of approval for just being on this planet, for being who we are.
As every human being deserves to be validated (Why else would they be on this planet, if they did not have the right to be) is it safe to say; Every human being has the right to be famous? Or better say; Does every single one of us have the right to be known? As we are all unique souls on this planet (Or whatever you want to call us), don’t we all deserve to be known by ALL?
Imagine if every single person on this earth was well-known, was praised for their unique talents, for just being here and loved for their strengths or weaknesses. A massive classroom that is filled with famous kids, being praised for what they are bringing to the table.
I believe in what Oprah says; We are all looking to be validated, validated for simply being on this earth, if that was happening, we could just stop “trying” to prove ourselves to the world, and start being ourselves, who we were meant to be, be loved and be famous for being just as we are.
Fame is not fake, it’s a reality mistaken for a “privilege for the lucky”. I believe this is the reason why when a person in need of help is put under a magnifying glass, we all jump out to help. Because deep down we all know; Every person needs to be famous, every person needs to be validated. And most of the time we need a camera with a zoom in feature to help us “see” the others.
If only our eyes were as equipped as our phones and cameras…. Let us see each other, and validate each other, we are all famous, in the eyes of a beholder.

Too much to say and non at all…

Have you ever reached a moment that you felt there is nothing left to say? And yet again, there were thousand words a second marching pass your eyes, thinking; But if I wanted to say something, this would be it. And then the broken record goes on and on, and yet again, your heart takes of the needle and says: There is nothing that needs to be said sweetheart, you have your answer…Too much to say and non at all…

 

I received a message the other day from someone, that maybe 6 months ago would have been the name I wanted to see on my phone. Of course, it always comes when you are passed the desire to receive any, moved on and are happy. It made me smile. He had mentioned something in the message that he use to make fun of, he was trying to be cute and it made me smile for a split second, and then, that was it. Nothing else followed. No apology, not an open heart, no sign of trying to make things right, just a breeze of the past.
I put the phone down and smiled at my friend, she said; aren’t you gonna answer him? I said; what would I say to this? all that pain and all that heartache, and this is it. Too much to say and non at all. She said: What if there was a gesture?
I saw a movie about big gestures, when a guy does a woman wrong, in a slightest bit, and needs to make a big gesture to make it right, if there is a slightest chance to make it right, he needs to have a slightest care in his heart to do so. And this made me wonder; Would I have done differently if there was a gesture. I do not know, and I would never know I guess. But I do know, if you need to turn a heart in the opposite direction, you need a big move on the wheel to do so.
To forgive just means to accept the past for what it was and not to close your heart because of a hard lesson that you had to learn. So as I forgive and not forget, I smile and put the phone down. It is all been said and non at all…